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American vs. Continental

Q: Will you explain the American and Continental styles of eating, please. And I am trying to picture myself eating dessert as you explained because I am left handed; therefore, cannot push with my left hand to my right. Maybe that is why the continental style has been so confusing to me.

Thank-you!

A: Much has changed in the world of dining etiquette for left-handed people who in recent history had to conform to the right-hand. Rather than trying to eat as the table has been set (for convenience of the right-handed person), feel free to switch hands. For Continental and American style, both cut with knife and fork... For a left-handed person, cut with the fork in your right hand and knife in your left. When eating dessert with the fork and spoon, push with the fork in your right hand to the spoon (held like a pencil) in your left hand. You may also use the spoon as a knife to cut crusts or take bites of ice cream.

Honorific?

Q: Since my son has been in school the teachers have instructed him to call them by their first name. This makes me uncomfortable because I appreciate the distinction of the formal Mr., Mrs., Miss that I grew up with. I think it enforces the relationship of leader and child. It doesn't much matter what I think because I enforced it for about a week in kindergarten and he was instructed each day by the teachers to call them by their first name. This has continued through today in the eighth grade. Here's my dilemma, many friends introduce me as Mrs. X, which I think is respectful and kind, but I'm not so sure I want to be called that for the duration for kids that I see on a daily basis. Is it OK for me to say, "Please call me by my first name"? Or, do I need to honor the parent’s original introduction. Furthermore, when I introduce myself to a child can I introduce myself by my first name?

A: You are correct that honorifics are used to separate a child from an adult. They are not intended to be a "cold" separation between the child and adult but uphold the position of "honor" between the two. Many young adults are uncomfortable with the title as they associate it with their mother or mother-in-law. However, you are also correct that parents use these titles as a teaching tool for respect of adults. Honorifics are not intended to be about us (the adult); they are about the child's experience with us. If we correct them so that we feel better, we risk confusing the child and asking him or her to disregard the request of his or her parents. When you are introducing yourself to a child, a tip is to say your first and last name. A child who is taught to use honorifics will know to do so; if the child is too young, his or her parents may step in. If you absolutely do not want to be called with your last name, you may ask their parents if the child can call you by Mrs. X.

More on the napkin?

Q: I have heard that when one has to leave the table for a moment, one should place the napkin folded on the side of the plate rather than the chair since it will be touching our mouths again. Is that a more European custom?

A: The rule for the United States is that you place the napkin on your chair when leaving the table for a brief period of time. The reason for this U.S. rule is so that we do not expose our dining partners to dirty napkins in the middle of our meals. Also, by placing the napkin on the linen or table we run the risk of sprinkling the surface with bits of fallen food.

You bring up a great point that relates to so many other issues of etiquette. There are social and traditional differences for much of the world. It is very important for all of us to remember that we must research customs and etiquette before visiting another country.

Addressing with a label?

Q: We have a client who asked if it’s okay to send thank-you and address the envelope with a label. The bride really wants to use labels and hopes this isn’t a terrible thing to do in terms of etiquette. What are your thoughts on this?

A: I understand the thought process of your bride and why she is eager to use labels…My recommendation is that labels are for commercial use or mass mailings and should not be used on wedding stationary. A thank-you note is a bride's token of appreciation for the generosity and time of her guests. A single guest will not see the pile of envelopes that the bride sees; he or she only sees the envelope in his or her mail-box. A handwritten envelope (even though it takes more time) nonverbally communicates gratitude with a personal touch.

I know this is not necessarily the answer she was looking for. I can only imagine the time and energy this bride has spent on planning the wedding—she will not regret taking a few additional moments making the final step a lovely one.

No Host Bar & No Children?
Q: I have a wedding invitation question. I have a mother of the bride who would like to add to the invitation that they are having a No Host Bar. I would like to know how to put that on the invitation without saying "No Host Bar". Also, is "Adult Reception to follow" a better way to say "No children"?
A: Ideally, adding beverage information to the invitation is unnecessary. The invitation is for the wedding--beverages provided should not be the deciding factor. Two considerate gestures: Having a sign on the bar to inform the guests and making sure that all forms of payment are accepted. If the mother has made up her mind, "no-host bar" is the most recognized phrase and best if placed on the lower right-hand corner of the reception card.
A: Traditionally the names on the outside of the envelope communicate who is invited. When it reads Mr. and Mrs. Frank Smith<, it communicates that only Mr. and Mrs. Smith are invited. Experts do not recommend adding language to the invitation that take away from the "announcement". Another recommendation from several leading experts is that the bride and groom have their wedding party and family start an “Adults Only Reception Buzz”. This has worked very well for my brother and his fiancée. Word travels fast among parents!

Asking for a Gift?

Q: I was just talking with a calligrapher-friend who has been asked to letter something... unusual... to be included with the invitation. To get down to brass tacks, the couple is asking for money rather than gifts. They've found these "cute" poems on a website, which therefore seem to give them credibility. My instinct is they're beyond ticky-tacky. I haven't been asked to do anything like this (yet) but I'd like to have something on standby in case something like this comes my way. Do you have any suggestions?
A: Any reliable etiquette source recommends against enclosing any type of card requesting or announcing where to purchase gifts. Asking for money, no matter how "cute" the poem, is in very poor taste. Unfortunately, this bride and groom's attempt to be greedy will not be masked by beautiful calligraphy. I do hope they will change their minds. As for a recommendation: I suggest gently explaining the rule and why the action--even if unintended--will be seen as greedy and inappropriate. It may be helpful to refer them to a website where they can register for nontraditional items and guests can gift money--keeping in mind that a registry is a list to assist guests; it is never to be a request for gifts. Experts recommend that the bride and groom communicate registry information to their wedding party and family so that they (party and family) can assist guests who are interested in purchasing an item off of list.

How do we not give to a family we have given to in the past?
Q: As the Christmas season is approaching, I am making my list of family and friends to buy gifts for this year. Every year we have a family member, whom we are not extremely close to but see on occasion, send several gifts to our family. We feel obligated to then in turn purchase gifts for their family as well, even though they would not normally be on our gift list. In the past I have just purchased gifts to give them and it has worked out financially, but this year we are trying to stick to a much smaller Christmas budget. We don’t want to seem like Scrooge, but is there a way to stop the gift giving and maybe just exchange cards or family photos? Do you have any advice as to how to handle the situation? Thanks.

A: It is kind of you to respond with a gift; however you are not obligated to do so. If your family member sends a gift, the appropriate response is to send a thank-you note or even better a thank-you letter. A gift is given as a gesture of gratitude and love. Gifts should not be given as an obligation or with the expectation of receiving something in return! If they choose to send you a gift, it is their choice. You need not feel guilty; just celebrate their expression of love!

Sending a holiday card well in advance of the holiday with a family photo and a personal message will communicate you are thinking of them. Another way to express that they are in your heart is to enclose a small handcrafted picture with a message from your child.

Seeing Guests Out?

Q: I was wondering, when saying good-bye to your guests and walking them to the door, is it rude to shut the door on them, or is it best to continue out to the porch until they are safely in their car? Even still, is it appropriate to stand and wave them good-bye until completely out of sight? My parents always do this, and I wonder if it is necessary.

A: What a blessing to have parents who model gracious behavior! Your instincts are correct: if you walk your guest to the door and close it while they are still on the stoop, they may feel as if you are anxious for them to leave. It is an extra gesture of hospitality to see your guests safely to their vehicle, not necessarily out of sight. However, when entertaining a large number of guests, you do not need to see each guest to their vehicle. A “thank you for coming” at the door is sufficient and gracious. Your guests will understand that there are others in need of your attention.

Adults Only, Please?

Q: My husband and I are planning a holiday open house in mid-December here at our home. We are going to be sending out invitations soon, but we’re trying to figure out what the nice way of saying “please no children” is. Do you have any suggestions? We’re just feeling that our home isn’t large enough to have several little kids running around, as well as the fact that it’s not really very kid-friendly. We just want to communicate this in a non-offensive manner. I appreciate your input.

A: The etiquette rule is that the name(s) on the invitation represent those invited. For example: Mr. and Mrs. Ty Lockard would mean Elle and Maggie are not invited. However, many don’t know this or honor it. You can address this in several ways. Start an “adults only” buzz by gently communicating to friends that children are not invited, or use language on the invitation that communicates the event is geared toward adults. For example: Come enjoy a cocktail and an evening with friends.

Is Call-Waiting Rude?

Q: Is it rude to put someone on hold while you answer another call?I often wonder how rude that really is.

A: You have good instincts; it is rude. When we take one call over another call, we are communicating that one person is more important than another person. Manners are about showing equal value to all people, all of the time. If an urgent situation should arise and you must take the call, follow these steps:

1. Excuse yourself from the conversation entirely. Do not put caller number one on hold.

2. Take call number two.

 

Group Gift Gone Awry!

Q: About a month and a half ago, we received an invitation to a surprise birthday party at a local restaurant. (Several couples were invited.) Because about five of the couples decided to go in on a gift together, we had more money to buy a more impressive gift. I was asked by the person arranging the party to purchase a gift with my discount, and I gladly agreed. Then everyone would pay me back. Each couple has paid their share, except for one.

The arranger sent a reminder to everyone the day after the party to remember to send the money to me. I gave it a few weeks following the party, then sent out a friendly reminder e-mail to the two couples that hadn’t followed through. One of them dropped the money off immediately, and the other one hasn’t responded. It is only $19.00, but I am a little frustrated that I volunteered to do this and now feel somewhat taken advantage of. What is proper to do in a situation such as this?

A: This is a disappointing situation. Sometimes by signing up to help we are also signing up for the possibility of an unmannerly encounter! After all, this is not a “manner” of $19.00. As I see it, you have two options:

1. Let it go and chalk it up to a lesson learned. Never volunteer to give your discount again, or ensure that all of the money is collected before the gift is given. If you let it go, you cannot talk about it or wince when you see the debtor.

2. In many cases, people get busy and forget. Contact the debtor with a friendly reminder, or ensure the check was not lost in the mail.

Should I send a gift?

Q: My mother and I have never seen or heard of anything like this. She received a formal wedding announcement that stated the couple had been married the previous Saturday and were honeymooning in such and such place. My mother did not attend the wedding, nor does she remember being invited. She has met the bride once. My mother is a coworker of the bride, but by no means friends. The announcement also included a small picture of the couple and a card listing where they are registered. It seems to me, when you cut through the cute picture and fancy card, it is just a card asking for a gift.

A: Unfortunately your mother has been a victim of the self-entitled bride-and-groom epidemic! Although not all brides fall into this category, there are a growing number that do! To answer your questions:

1. You have interpreted this correctly; they are asking for a gift. Enclosing a registration card is never acceptable in a wedding invitation or announcement.

2. Responding with a gift is your mother’s decision. She is not required by any rules of etiquette to do so.

Which Comes First?

Q: I am writing an invitation for a baptism, and I would like to include my name and my husband’s name at the bottom. Which of our first names should go first? I have heard that you should not separate the man’s first and last name. Is this true?

A: Yes, the rule is true. The gentleman’s last name is his family’s name; therefore, his first name should not be separated from it. To avoid this, it’s “Ladies first!” when addressing or printing names in sequence. Here are some examples:

Mr. and Mrs. Ty Lockard
Mindy and Ty Lockard

The Ty Lockard Family

Mindy, Ty, Elle and Maggie

 

Re-Gift?

Q: I have a quick etiquette question for you, and I’m hoping you might have some direction. My sister was invited to a joint baby shower this coming Sunday for a friend of hers. (Her friend is having a boy.) The shower is also for her friend’s sister-in-law, who is having a girl.My sisterhas never met the other person and doesn’t know if it’s okay not to bring a gift for her. She also brought up the fact that, if she should bring a gift, she has several outfits that her daughter has not been able to wear because they are out of season; therefore she could “re-gift” them. I told her that was probably not proper either.

A: Your sister is not obligated to bring a gift to the mother she does not know. “Re-gifting” is perfectly acceptable as long as the gift is fitting for the situation and in good condition. If she does want to take something, a small baby “essential,” such as body wash, lotion, or a toy, would be fine too.

 

Is it rude...or am I sensitive?

Q: Your phone lessons were wonderful. I hoped to see something on cell phone etiquette as well. I have several frinds who bring their cell phones wherever they go. For example, I will have lunch with a friend and they will answer their cell phones during our meal. I understand that some times we need to be available, e.g., when a family member is sick, but otherwise I think it is rude to speak with one friend when you are meeting another. Am I correct or too sensitive?

A: No, are not too sensitive! People-waiting is a greater faux pas than call-waiting. The person in your presence is the most important person of the moment. By taking a call in front of another person, we are communicating to the person in our presence that they are not as important as the person on the other end of the phone. In the case of a real emergency--coordinating an afternoon schedule does not count--we should always excuse ourselves from the table or room and take the call in privacy.

How to thank an overnight host...

Q: My husbandand I went spent one night with some friends at their home outside of Bend. I brought a gift, and we bought dinner. They signed us up for this class and I know they paid a lot for us to join them. I know I need to send a Thank-you but do I need to do anything else?

A: How fortunate you are to have such lovely friends! After the gift and dinner, a letter (more than a note) of gratefulness is an appropriate way to close a weekend with friends. Only a letter can truly express thanks for the events/specific event of the stay, pay tribute to the entertaining style of the host and hostess, comment on the accommodations, and express gratitude for the relationship and invitation. There isn't a greater keepsake among friends than a handwritten letter from the heart!